• Sat. May 18th, 2024

Football Humour

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No sport is without its comical or funny side. Embarrassing moments, silly comments and even incoherent logic are contributed players, managers and commentators. Football leads the way by a country mile in this field. Some of oft repeated ones are:

Michael Owen: “That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post.”

Peter Lorenzo: “Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds…totally against the run of play”.

John Motson: “For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.”

Graham Roberts: “Football is a game of skill, we kicked them a bit and they kicked us a bit”.

Lawrie McMenemy: “When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1.”

Alan Shearer: “I’ve had 14 bookings this season—eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable.”

Paul Gascoigne: “If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket”.

Sir Bobby Robson: “You may as well put a cow in the middle of the pitch, walking. And then stop the game because there was a cow.”

Gary Lineker: “Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win”.

“In his life, a man can change wives, political parties or religions, but he cannot change his favourite soccer team.”
Eduardo Galeano:

Martin Tyler: “Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it.
Kevin Keegan: “They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that.”

Bill Shankley: “Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that”.

Ian Rush: “I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country”.

Sir Alex Ferguson: “When an Italian tells me it’s pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure. They are the inventors of the smokescreen.’

Ron Atkinson: “I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.”

Mario Balotelli: “They didn’t get angry because I took my shirt off and got booked, they saw my physique and got jealous”.

Bill Shankly “If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains

Arsene Wenger: “I tried to watch the Tottenham match on television in my hotel, but I fell asleep”.

Ian Holloway: “I love Blackpool. We’re very similar. We both look better in the dark!”

Berti Vogts: “If people had seen me walking on water, you can be sure someone, somewhere would have complained ‘look at that Berti Vogts, he can’t even swim’.”

George Best: “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

Harry Redknapp: “I sorted out the team formation last night lying in bed with the wife. When your husband’s as ugly as me, you’d only want to talk football in bed.”

Brian Clough: “The river Trent is lovely. I know because I have walked on it for 18 years”.

Ray Hudson: “Giving Cristiano that much time and space on the ball is like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank.”

A week before one Champions League final there was an advert in a local newspaper which said: “Local man offers marriage to any woman that has tickets to the Champions League final. Those interested must send in photo of the tickets.”

David Beckham pearls of wisdom: “My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven.”

Asked whether he was a volatile player? “Well, I can play in the centre, on the right, and occasionally on the left side!

Ronaldo in-depth analysis on the team’s performance: “We lost because we didn’t win.”

Mark Viduka, one of Australia’s best players in recent memory, wasn’t to be left behind: “I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.


Michael Owen denying, he was superstitious: “I don’t believe in superstitions. I just do certain things because I’m scared in case something will happen if I don’t do them.”

Ron Atkinson with a rich history of making strange remarks: “Well, Clive, it’s all about the two M’s—movement and positioning.


Barry Venison describing his pre-game ritual: “I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.

Berti Vogts using a creative description of Scottish journalists. “If people had seen me walking on water, you can be sure someone, somewhere would have complained – look at that Berti Vogts, he can’t even swim.”